In the Bedroom: Kink It Up

By: Stephen de Wit

“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to slide in sideways, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, screaming ‘HOLY CRAP what a ride!’”  George Carlin

“Dance like no one is watching. Love like you’ll never be hurt. Sing like no one is listening. Live like it is heaven on earth.” William Purkey

These are just two of the thousands of motivational quotes out there that people read and think “hey yeah, that makes sense.”  But why don’t we think of our sex lives like that?  For many of us, sex becomes a pattern or habit that with time becomes a chore and loses its erotic charge.  Even the most impassioned sex after a year or two of the same thing gets boring.   So what do you do?  Kink it up!  However, the word kink strikes fear into many people’s hearts.  That is stuff that those weird people do and you certainly are not weird…or are you?  It is all in the perception.  If you were in a room with two other people talking about sex, you would think that you were erotic, one of the other people was kinky and the third person … well they are just perverted.  However, the catch lies in your point of view because if I asked one of the other people you were in the room with they would think of themselves as erotic, the other person as kinky and maybe even you as perverted.  Imagine that.

Kink is whatever you make it.  It does not have to involve dressing up, a sex swing and a riding crop (whip).  Kink can be dirty talking, toys, tickling or touching, bouncing, ben wa balls, bras or bee stings.  Yes, I said bee stings.  So you may be reading and thinking great but “what does kink have to do with it?”  Well the answer is everything!  To keep your sex life active and exciting I encourage you to take a risk and introduce something new to your sexual repertoire.   Every single one of us (myself included) has a little part of our brain that has a cage around our sexual desires, fantasies and curiosities.  We are afraid if we let them out what will people say about us. I was told that was wrong, bad, dirty etc. etc. if I do that.  Well, it is time to shake off those shackles! (unless you want them on – in a good way…more on bondage in another article).

It is important to realize that we all evolve sexually.  What turns you on and gets you hot today will be different in a year, two, five, ten years.  Wouldn’t it be great to develop a comfort level with yourself so you would be able to communicate your newly evolved sexual kink?  But how do you do it?  There are three steps that I recommend to people:

1) Hang up your hang ups

2) Trust yourself

3) Go easy

First step: hang up your hang ups. When looking at things that you want to explore and expand your sexual experience I invite you to  suspend your judgments and preconceived notions.  Just observe in an objective state.  What would that look like, how would I do that, whom would I share this experience with and how would it make me feel?

Trust yourself. You know yourself better than anyone else.  You know your rational, motivation and justification for everything that you do.  Spend some time with your sexual self.  The way you choose to express yourself sexually does not make you a bad person.  I guarantee, whatever it is that you are thinking that you would like to try there are tens of thousands of people who dig the same thing!  Go online and you will find a support group.

Go Easy. There is no need to go full out when exploring things sexually.  Take small steps; break a fantasy down into easier steps.  Maybe not full out suspension bondage but maybe holding down your partners hands to start.

And now the million dollar question, how do I bring this up with my partner(s).  I invite you to check out this list, there are 388 items on it. Some you will not know what they are, some of them will frighten you, and some will disgust you.  That is alright, remember, there is no right or wrong way, just your way and that is OK.  Share this list with your partner and take a look together. Then have a discussion with the three ground rules above as guidelines to create a safe space to discuss.  And then let your imagination run free.

Dr. Alfred Kinsey wrote, “The only unusual sex act is the one that you cannot perform.”  To which I would like to add: have sex like no one cares what you do, scream like no one is listening, experiment like there is no tomorrow, and when you are lying there breathless afterwards whisper …wow, what a ride!

Stephen de Wit

Dr. Stephen de Wit is a Toronto sexologist and sexual communications coach. Stephen is on a one man mission to ensure that everyone lives the sexually empowered existence they want.  He has completed his Doctorate of Human Sexuality and focuses his energy on keynotes, workshops, seminars, writing and media appearances always with a fun, interactive, high impact approach.  For more information visit

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