Let’s face it. Our bodies love to mess with us. And for men who lose their erection at an inopportune time, the stress and embarrassment can be overwhelming. But it doesn’t have to be.
Every guy is going to have to deal with losing his erection at some point in time and you can rest assured that it has nothing to do with you. It’s not your body, your touch or your technique that is keeping him from getting it up. It could be a physiological issue (e.g. high blood pressure, circulation problems, nerve damage or certain medications), but if it is a once-in-a-while occurrence, it is likely just a bit of anxiety, stress or pressure that’s keeping his member from standing to attention.
So let him know that it’s no big deal. Don’t overdo it, but do tell him that it’s okay and that it’s perfectly normal. Because it really is! And then kindly demand (is that possible?) that he focus on helping you get yours. Yup. It’s not all over because Sargeant Stand-Up decided to take a leave of absence. (I hope it goes without saying that you shouldn’t quote me on that one — he will be in NO mood for humour at this point.) In all seriousness, don’t shut down the sex play altogether. Show him how to push your buttons with his hands, lips and tongue and show lots of appreciation. As you become aroused, he may even regain his confidence and get another boner while along for the ride.
And if he doesn’t get hard while getting you off? That’s okay. You got yours! Kidding again — sort of. No really — don’t make his getting an erection the goal. The last thing either of you needs to experience is more pressure.
You might want to offer some reassurance that you’ve dealt with the same issue yourself. Well — not exactly the same, but you’ve likely had trouble getting wet even when you’ve been totally in the mood and aroused. So share your thoughts and be sensitive to the fact that this is likely a very delicate issue.
You may want to casually comment on how satisfied you are (you don’t have to lie, but do highlight his strengths), as his confidence won’t exactly be peaking at this point in time and some subtle ego-stroking may be just what he needs.
Whatever you do, be clear that you’re not angry or frustrated and don’t joke around about the issue — some topics are just off limits. It’s probably not a good time to ask “What’s wrong?” or “Did I do something?” because the last thing he’ll want to do is explain himself to you. And while communication is a core component of great sex, he may not want to talk about his erectile difficulties in the bedroom in the heat of the moment, so do your best to look for his cues and respect his wishes.
Bear in mind that men are sensitive creatures too. They’re not untamed stallions and aren’t always ready to go at a moment’s notice. Really! Just as women’s moods, stress levels, diet, overall health and energy levels impact their sexual response, men are also impacted by a complex interplay of influences. Of course I don’t claim to speak for all men, because each one is unique, so if you have a different perspective or experience, please feel free to share.
Dr. Jessica O’Reilly is a board-certified sexologist committed to helping clients enjoy healthy, pleasurable sex lives. She has completed her PhD in human sexuality with a focus on training teachers to deliver effective sex education. She loves her work (obviously!) and splits her time between public speaking engagements, freelance writing, program development and consulting in the field of sexual health. Learn more at www.jessicaoreilly.com
