Bad Sex? How to Talk about It.

We have been taught that sex is something that can only be discussed in certain areas, with certain people or groups and at certain times – from a young age we have been wired to withhold. It is no wonder it is difficult to talk about sex with our partners!  Today, right now, is the time to rewire, reboot and resuscitate your sex life.

It is strange that something that so definitively and literally lays us bare can be so difficult to talk about.  Let’s face it if something is not working – you both know it – but why aren’t you talking about it?  It is like the big purple naked elephant in the room!  You talk to your friends about it but why not your partner? Take a risk, start talking:  If it is bad sex, you want to be spanked, it hurts, safer sex practices, you want to try a three some, STI’s, who cares!

In 1990, Salt-N-Pepa came out with the hit song “Let’s Talk About Sex”.  While this controversial song got people talking it did not tell us “how” to talk about sex. Of the hundreds of things that we can do with our mouths while having sex the most important thing we can do is to talk about it.  So let’s talk about how to talk about sex.

Ladies, men need your help.  Let’s face it generally speaking, women are the more communicative gender and it is usually you who bring up the topic of sex – go forth and speak. You are the one who can and will make a difference.

First, pick a time and place. Avoid the talk about sex right before the sexual escapades or right after.  If you try talking before you may run the risk of getting carried away with the desire and passion, not to mention your words may be difficult to understand with different body parts in your mouth.  If you talk about sex right after your sexual adventures you run the risk that your partner may interpret your discussion as judgment.

Second, operate from a place of honesty. Share with your partner that this conversation is difficult, scary, awkward, a first for you and you are taking a risk.  This sets the emotional tone and alerts your partner to the fact that this is an important conversation.

Third, tell them why you are bringing this up. “I really enjoy having sex with you and love what you do when you XXX with your XXX.  And I want to continue to strengthen our sex life because it is important to me.  One of the things that I want to talk with you about is XXXX.  It is really important to me and I want to know if it is ok for us to talk about this and I want to hear your thoughts”.  Use “I” language as you are taking responsibility for this conversation.  Not “you” do this or “you don’t” do that.  When you put the issue on the table and ask their permission to talk about it, it balances out the power in the conversation.

I always encourage people when they feel that awkward, uncomfortable feeling in the pit of their stomach to just do it. That feeling is the big purple naked elephant standing on you!  We all know it is there. We can all “see” it.  Now to get rid of it, just talk about it.  I remember the first time a partner spoke to me about sex in an honest and respectful way.  It was an eye opener … “Oh, really, I can talk about sex like this? Wow.”  It was a great feeling of freedom and the sex just got better and hotter.  And really who doesn’t want better and hotter sex?  I do!

Oh yeah and here is that great track:

Dr. Stephen de Wit is a Toronto sexologist and sexual communications coach. Stephen is on a one man mission to ensure that everyone lives the sexually empowered existence they want.  He has completed his Doctorate of Human Sexuality and focuses his energy on keynotes, workshops, seminars, writing and media appearances always with a fun, interactive, high impact approach.  For more information visit

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