Three’s a Crowd : Or is it?

By Stephen de Wit

I hear it over and over.  Why does my partner want to have a threesome with me and another woman?  My answer is always I do not know what your partner’s motivation is, there could be a thousand different reasons.  The important question to ask is what do you think about having sex with another woman (or man for that matter) and your partner and more importantly what is your answer?  Here are a couple of things that are important to take into consideration when toying with the idea.

First there are different what I call “levels” of sexual interaction when multiple people are involved.

1). Voyeurism – this is watching another person(s) being sexual

2). Exhibitionism – this is acting sexual in front of others

3). Threesomes – shared touch/sex with one person outside the primary couple

4). Moresomes (group sex) – sex with more than three people

5). Fantasy Swinging – using the idea of multiple partners as a fantasy, not acted upon

Find what you are comfortable with even thinking about.  Remember this is about you being honest with yourself,  what turns you on and why (see previous article Sex Negotiation 101).  Take small steps to test the waters so to speak before diving into bed with two or more people.  Try fantasizing about it when pleasuring yourself or while having sex with your partner.  Then maybe watch a video where there are three people in play.  If this is something you are curious about, give yourself some time to process exactly what turns you on and what you want to explore.

Let’s jump right into bed with a third partner… how do you do it?  There are a several things to keep in mind.  As men we have been conditioned that one night we are going to go to a bar and two smoking hot bisexual women are going to approach us and invite us back to their hotel room and have crazy sex all night….. and possibly make a video of it.  The reality is that is not how things usually work out (not to say that has never happened wink wink).  So you have to be the well informed and educated one (from reading this article of course).

There are three major areas to consider.  One, who this person is going to be?  Two, who is going to be doing what to whom and when?  Three, conversations about how this may impact your relationship.

When selecting a person ask the questions.  Why this person?  What would their reaction be?  How much say do they have in what takes place?  Where do we find this person?  How do we bring this up?  Will they respect our privacy?  Would they become attached to one of us? Keep the questions going, the more thought you give to this ahead of time the less questions and confusion there will be later.

The second thing to think about is who is going to be doing what to whom and when.  The glorious thing about adding another partner into your sexual arena is that the combinations of positions multiply exponentially.  Ask yourself what are you comfortable with doing and seeing.  Again this is where watching porn can be beneficial in visualizing what may transpire and your comfort level with it.  Develop some really clear guidelines and some hard (not to be crossed) and soft (flexible) rules.  Establish safety words that communicate comfort level and a kill word that stops “play” so everyone knows what is going on.  Remember you always have the power to say no and stop anything that you are not comfortable with at any time.

The last and possibly most important thing to discuss is how this experience could potentially impact your relationship.  Topics to cover are jealousy, loyalty, trust and disease.  Oh yeah, I said it disease. Always practice safer sex when playing with multiple partners and have open discussions about the dreaded “D”, it is part of playing responsibly.  Set some time aside the next day to discuss how you felt about the experience, what did work and what did not work and where you want to go from there.  Always remember there is no right way, there is no wrong way.  There is just your way and hey…it’s ok.  Now go out and play, with one, two, three, four or more.

Stephen de Wit

Stephen de Wit

Dr. Stephen de Wit is a Toronto sexologist and sexual communications coach. Stephen is on a one man mission to ensure that everyone lives the sexually empowered existence they want.  He has completed his Doctorate of Human Sexuality and focuses his energy on keynotes, workshops, seminars, writing and media appearances always with a fun, interactive, high impact approach.  For more information visit

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