Sex Negotiations 101: Booty Call, Friends with Benefits or Committed

Do you know what you really want?

Ladies your time has come – and men need your help.   We are now in what I like to call the pleasure evolution.  Sex can be an expression of deep love, commitment and passion for a single person.  Or it can be an expression of independence, power and prowess as a woman towards multiple partners.  Is one better than the other?  I don’t know… you tell me.  As human beings we are in a constant state of evolution, we will have sex with different people for different reasons at different times in our lives.  Remember that who you are today as a sexual being will not be the same in five years.  Be kind to yourself, allow yourself to evolve with whatever brings you pleasure.

Let’s get into it.  You want sex, not love but sex not a boyfriend, or girlfriend but sex.  How do you do it?  How do you find the right partner?  How do you tell your partner what you want and maybe more importantly what you don’t want.  Here it is, a bit of a throw back to grade five, be honest, be respectful and be safe.  Now you might be sitting there and saying to yourself sure that is easy.  I do that but I still end up with a sticky situation (and not the good kind).  They fall in love with you, you fall in love with them, they treat you badly, you freak out on them, they freak out on you…drama…BS…drama …BS and the cycle continues.

This happens because the crucial component to the three key concepts of honesty, respect and safety first start with you.  Yup, that’s right you the person whose owns the eyeballs that are reading these words. As men we have a difficult time deciphering what a woman says she wants and what she actually wants.  So help us out…and more importantly help yourself out by following these concepts:

1). Be honest with yourself.  What do you want? Are you looking for a relationship? Hey great! Then do not say that you want sex and secretly hope that you are going to change that person.  Do you want a one night stand? Great.  Do you want a friend with benefits? Awesome.  Do you want a non-exclusive sexual relationship? Super duper.  Do you want a submissive play toy?  Stupendous! Whatever it is that you want, be honest with yourself.  Now comes the difficult part, ask yourself why?  We often go through life saying we want something but do not have the clarity as to why we want it.  Get out a piece of paper and write down the reasons why you want sex and the particular type of relationship that you are going to create in order to achieve that sex.

2). Respect the decisions that you have made.  Do not become swayed by others thoughts or opinions. Become comfortable with them.  Remember there is no right way there is no wrong way there is just your way and hey it’s OK.

3). Safety, there are a couple levels to this.  First and foremost, safe sex practices are fundamental to taking care of your physical self and links directly back to honesty and respect.  Then emotional safety, if you feel that your partner is becoming emotionally attached to you at a level that you are not comfortable with, talk to them about it.  And vice versa, if you feel that you are becoming emotionally connected to your partner in a way that is outside of what you had originally planned for talk to your partner about it.

The key to unlocking these three powerful constructs is communication with the most important person in your life.  YOURSELF!  I guarantee that building a great relationship with yourself first will have a massive positive impact on all your relationships sexual and otherwise.

Follow these guidelines and create the sexual relationship that you desire…they are yours to create and evolve with.

Dr. Stephen de Wit is a Toronto sexologist and sexual communications coach. Stephen is on a one man mission to ensure that everyone lives the sexually empowered existence they want.  He has completed his Doctorate of Human Sexuality and focuses his energy on keynotes, workshops, seminars, writing and media appearances always with a fun, interactive, high impact approach.  For more information visit


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