In a perfect world, you wouldn’t need to fake orgasms for your own sake or your partner’s. But the reality is almost all women have pretended to climax at some point and many of these performances have been Oscar-worthy. That’s right. Women are obviously skilled at faking the Big-O and their male partners are buying whatever they’re selling.
The recently published National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior found that 85 per cent of men believed that their female partners achieved orgasm during their last sex session. But only 64 per cent of women reported the same. Talk about a gender gap.
The reasons for faking may seem obvious. Some women do so to get it over with. A woman in a recent workshop explained that she just, “wanted him to get out of there ASAP”. Others want to stroke their partners’ egos. And others do so because they have no clue what an orgasm feels, sounds or looks like. This is no surprise considering we receive no formal education on sexual pleasure and response. Taking our cues from pornography and the wildly entertaining, but unrealistic and not-so-Oscar-worthy porn-gasms is definitely not a good place to start.
In an ideal world, you should engage in and respond to sexual activity because it feels good for you — not because you feel pressure to do so. The flip side is that your partner shouldn’t feel pressure to perform or “give” you an orgasm. Sexual relationships are partnerships and learning about your partner’s body is one of the most exciting elements. However, if you pretend to like something that doesn’t really tickle your fancy; you are ultimately leading your partner down the wrong path. In return, you’ll get more of what you don’t like if you keep offering dishonest positive reinforcement.
You deserve to enjoy sex and faking orgasms or other reactions detracts from the experience by emphasizing performance over pleasure. Of course, you want to offer some positive reinforcement and elements of exaggeration can certainly play a fun role in the bedroom, but when it comes to sex, honesty really is the best policy.
So the next time you’re getting down and not genuinely feeling the vibe, instead of amping up your dramatic performance, take your partner by the hand (or penis or mouth) and offer some guidance. You don’t need to kill the moment altogether or complain, “This isn’t doing it for me,” but offer good-natured reminders or suggestions that enhance the mood: “I love when you use your hands” or “I really like when you’re more/less aggressive.”
While being honest may be challenging at first, open communication underscored by respect and consideration for one another should pay off in the long run for both your sex life and your relationship.
Until next time, have fun, experiment and always practice safer sex.
Dr. Jessica O’Reilly is a board-certified sexologist committed to helping clients enjoy healthy, pleasurable sex lives. She has completed her PhD in human sexuality with a focus on training teachers to deliver effective sex education. She loves her work (obviously!) and splits her time between public speaking engagements, freelance writing, program development and consulting in the field of sexual health. Learn more at www.jessicaoreilly.com
